Jumanji: Welcome To The Jungle

Before this was released nationwide, I, personally, had some trepidations about how this would transition from a movie about a board game come to life to something that the future generations would relate to since everyone has their noses buried deep in their phones.  Robin Williams, of course, wouldn’t be a part of this reboot, and the humor has been shifted to more mature themes.  Still, we’re talking about high schoolers who have to deal with some very dangerous situations.  Although you may not recognize some of the actors, if I told you that “the girl” is Nebula from Guardians of the Galaxy I and II and Amy from Doctor Who, does that help?  Nice to see her, Karen Gillan, not bald and with much less make-up.  Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Kevin Hart, and Jack Black round out the players and we have some references to Alan Parrish (rest in peace Robin), VanPelt, and instead of moving around the board, well, you’ll just have to check it out.  There are some elements that seem a bit reminiscent of The Hunger Games, but with a lot more tongue-in-cheekiness.  If I was a game designer and you told me this is what you wanted the results to be, I could totally understand that, but I’d also give the characters a chance to start over, different ways to get from point A to point B and so on and so on.  Overall, much, much, much better than I could have imagined and, although I’m not huge Guns and Roses fan, Axl Rose singing Welcome To The Jungle is the perfect cherry on top of this exploding cake of a film.  Rating:  hippos and jaguars and crocodiles, oh my, pecs that could crush walnuts, a mix tape of songs of the ‘90’s—best line ever…why am I not Instagramming this right now?  (3.88 stars)

Thor: Ragnarok

Trying to figure out how to write a review that encompasses the film Thor:  Ragnarok as a drinking game.  Key words:  Loki, Asgaard (or a reasonable facsimile of), Son of Odin, Thor, God of Thunder (or a reasonable facsimile of)/Hela, Goddess of Death, and Hulk Smash, Valkyrie, Grandmaster, and Melty Stick.  Everything works and sets the ground work for the next episode…these are plain and simple comic books come to life.  There’s snarky dialogue, over the top fights, sparks fly and depending on how you look at it, that’s a good thing.  If I had to pick my favorite Marvel Comics hero, my Norwegian ancestry points me in the direction of Thor Odinson, God of Thunder.  Chris Hemsworth is the ideal choice.  He’s epitomizes the Norse god to a “T”, hair, bod for battle, non-descript age, beyond belief chutzpah, only thing that’s always seemed funny to me is the accents.  None are even close to Scandinavian or even hint in that direction, but that’s just me…I was the same way with the How to Train Your Dragon films.  This is the most un-bloody (except for a spontaneous bit with the Grandmaster involving his cousin) fun, gotta kill them all film that kept me entertained pretty much throughout.  At the very least it was good enough to make me want to see it more than once or twice and learn all the lines, which, after about a dozen more times, I’ll be able to quote similar to Rocky Horror, unless, of course, the drinking game is pursued and I’ll get as smashed as Valkyrie.  Also, keep an eye out for Matt Damon, who makes a cameo and it’s really funny (but only if you’ve seen the film Dogma).  The soundtrack kicks butt, just like this unlikely group of heroes.  Rating:  an everlasting fire, holograms for days, not “get help” again, where’d you get that haircut? aka 3.87 stars

The Shape of Water

Water seems to be a major part of my life lately…can’t seem to escape dealing with it in one form or another, whether it’s a bill, a tenant’s concerns, or in this case a Merman and a mute cleaning woman in 1962 Baltimore.  The war is cold, prejudices are plainly clear…better dead than Red.  If it’s different, definitely kill it and take it apart, but don’t keep an open mind or by God you’ll end up growing a tail.  It is and it isn’t easy to pigeonhole this love story/science fiction double feature, Doctor X has discovered (not built) a creature.  Beautifully filmed, scored, and written to help you root for the good guys, which, if you look at this from the standpoint of the military/politicos, it’s sort of like the last year and two months in the same general vicinity as Baltimore.  So, my suggestion would be, watch The Creature From The Black Lagoon (it was the inspiration for Guillermo del Toro’s screenplay) and be prepared because this is the R rated version and the monster is not who you think.  No matter who wins the Oscar for any of this film’s 13 nominations, they’re all well-deserved and personally, I’d say Michael Shannon and Doug Jones were robbed.  Both give A+ performances.  Rating:  don’t play with the kitties, hard or softboiled?, what a bloody mess, we get along swimmingly (4 starfish)

Lady Bird

Girls at 16 are pretty much walking, talking balls of hormones; likewise, boys of the same age.  Here we have Christine “Lady Bird” McPherson who attends a Catholic girls school, says she’s from the wrong side of the tracks, and is aching to break free from Sacramento as soon and as far away as possible.  Been there (Seattle), done that (moved to San Diego), except for the Catholic school up-bringing.  Unfortunately, Lady Bird is not rich, a genius, nor are her parents, which limits her options for getting out of Dodge and attending an Ivy League school.  She’s sort of stumbling through her senior year.  New relationships in her life are teetering on experimental as she plots her way to something that will fulfill her magazine fantasies.  Lady Bird’s mother is stuck between a rock and hard place with how to deal with her which is sort of surprising because the apple really hasn’t fallen far from the tree.  I’m not a mother, but I am a daughter, and have first-hand knowledge of how this works.  First, you put your fingers in your ears, close your eyes, and make mistake after mistake blaming it on your circumstances and your lack of participation, rather than your choices which, if you listened to your mother, might have worked out differently because your mother, like it or not, has probably experienced exactly what you’re dealing with emotionally many, many years before you were even an idea.  Funny how that works.  Anyway, this is Greta Gerwig’s directorial debut and it’s a doozy.  Saoirse Ronan and Laura Metcalf are stellar as daughter and mother, with a supporting cast that compliments their emotional tug o’war to a tee.  Rating:  (4 hail Mary's) a container of non-consecrated wafers, a pack of clove cigarettes, best prom ever, and a trip or two to the thrift store .

Blade Runner 2049

So it’s 30 years in the future from what was supposed to be one year from now (2019), but the original film based on Philip K. Dick’s short story, “Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep?” was filmed in 1982 based on a post-apocalyptic world in 1992, and, if that doesn’t confuse you enough, the story was published in 1968.  There has been so much talk about A.I. in the last few months, this story is getting scarily more plausible.  We now have Siri, Cortana, Alexa, and probably, HAL, in the international space station.  Machines that talk to me make me uncomfortable.  I don’t want one of those little talking boxes, that can possibly monitor my every waking moment, in my house.  I live alone and some disembodied voice responding to what it thinks I’m talking to creeps me out, totally.  I use the internet probably just as much as the average person, but I’m a human being and I have a limited shelf life of, oh, I don’t know, 5 seconds to 100 years, depending on so many factors it hurts my organic brain.  So, what does this have to do with this much overdue sequel to what most of the men in my life have claimed to be “the best science fiction film, ever”?  Actually, it has everything to do with the first film.  Do you want to know what happened to Decker and Rachel?  Do you want to know if Decker was human or replicant?  Did Rachel have a “shelf life”?  When replicants are threatened, do they “blow a fuse” and that’s why they react so violently?  Why don’t humans realize that you can destroy something that’s trying to kill you, but that something can also be rebuilt and upgraded.  When am I going to get a flying car?  Is this a fantasy or is it the real thing?  Are we just an experiment that worked really well and every generation is a new version?  Why is Ryan Gosling so effing wonderful as “Joe”?  I think I liked him in this film more than I did in La-La Land, but that’s just me.  So many existential questions…to find out the answers to these and many more…survey sez…check it out.  Rating: 3.68 stars  Sweet dreams are made of cheese…

Dunkirk

Wars are difficult for me to write about.  I see no good reason for them.  I also know that in today’s world, visual reenactments of major conflicts are probably the only way to teach massive amounts of the public, history.  If you haven’t lived it, been exposed to it through schooling, and learned from these experiences, you’re bound to make the same mistakes, and believe me, war is one of the biggest mistakes anyone can make. 

WWII is filled with stories of heroism, tragedy, incredible battles, bombs, guns, death, decadence, lack of hope, and despair.  It pretty much ran the whole gamut of situations one could find one’s self in both in Europe and Asia.  This is the story of how 338,000 Allied Troops on June 4, 1940 escaped the beaches of Dunkirk on the coast of France.  Cue the song White Cliffs of Dover.  This particular battle left, as I said, a large number of soldiers vulnerable to airstrikes by the Germans.  You can’t hide from an airstrike if you can’t find a space that’s not exposed while you’re waiting in a huge queue and the only way you’re getting out is to sneak onto the first available transport out of Dodge.   In this case, even if you could find somewhere to hide, it may have included swimming to the nearest  local fisherman’s trawler, pleasure boat, or even a dinghy.  Many, many, many lives were lost and it almost seemed like an open and shut situation had it not been for the talent and in a few cases, pure dumb luck, of the fighters who staved off the attacks by German Luftwaffe.  They used the beached troops as target practice, almost like shooting ducks in a barrel. 

Tension abounds, even though we know the outcome.  There’s a lot of explosions, near death situations, and extremely close calls.  Standout performances by Cillian Murphy, Tom Hardy, and Mark Rylance.  Yes, I know I’m supposed to applaud Kenneth Branagh, but he mostly stood around in full-tilt military garb, not much to react to, really.  So, overall, if you’re a history buff, a veteran of WWII, or just like to watch war films in general…here you go.  I’m sure you’ll be more than satisfied.  My rating:  a lovely case of PTSD, a wooden boat my brother would give his right elbow for, the last remains of innocence for any of the men and women who gave their lives to keep the world free from tyranny, i.e. 3.2 stars.     

Get Out!

The film is billed as horror/mystery and rightly so.  It’s sort of one of those cases where you have to wait for the other shoe to drop before you start sweating and developing a feeling of “wait, what? Oh hell no!”   From the get-go, if you have a significant other who invites you to meet the folks for the very first time and you have any apprehension about it, wait for that feeling to dissipate before you agree to go.  Also, do a thorough background check before getting inextricably involved with that significant other.  It may sound unromantic, and yes, it is, but these days you can’t be too careful.  That being said, the premise of this film would be a total spoiler should I give you more details than this.  Think with your head, not your heart.  I do want to commend all of the actors in this film, especially Allison Williams and Daniel Kaluuya as Rose and Chris, if I didn’t believe they were a couple, you would have lost me in the first 10 minutes.  That, my friends, is the kiss of death.  My recommendation would be to rent it, watch it during the day and not alone.  Rating:  3.75 stars.

3 Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

So many relationships, so little time.  The first thing I want to say is this is not Frances McDormand as Margie Gunderson Part Deux or even closely related to the film “Fargo”.  This is Mildred Hayes, divorced mother and gift shop owner in a small town in the heart of ‘murica, who lost her daughter some 7 months prior to an unsolved brutal rape/murder.  The inhabitants of this “quaint” little town have issues just like everybody else.  The community is extremely small and people don’t want to be bothered by somebody raising a red flag that the job the local police force is doing is insufficient.  At the heart of this film, is the determination of Mildred to find answers, the redemption of Dixon (a clearly bigoted deputy who lives with his even more clearly bigoted mama), and the Sheriff, whose name takes the blame for the complete lack of resolution of the case.  Regrets abound, along with revenge, as a top priority for several of the parties involved.  It’s not a peace, love and understanding message we’re given, but a great attempt is made and those caught in the cross-hairs are in for a big surprise.  So, on that happy note, I’ll just say, see the film, always kiss your kids goodnight (figuratively if you can’t do it physically), trust your gut, be kind—always, guns don’t kill people, people with guns kill people, and go big or go home.  Rating:  4 stars 

Kingsman II - The Golden Circle

What do you do when your mentor has been offed by some crazy mofo, your new girlfriend wants to take you to meet the folks (and by the way, they’re royalty), and you have to save the world with nothing more than a bottle of bourbon?  You get on a plane and follow the clues. 

Eggsy is back, he’s engaged, and he’s stylin’, this time in an orange tuxedo.  There have been a lot of changes in this installment as we mourn the passing of Galahad only to welcome Eggsy as the new knight of the same name.  We have some new players, in this case, it’s award winning actress, Julianne Moore, who has portrayed a lot of off the wall characters, but none so “off” as Poppy.  This performance is akin to what happens when you put titian-haired Barbie on crack, give her a Martha Stewart personae that absolutely reeks of sick and twisted and set everything up in an Amazon rainforest version of Barbie’s dream-house/village.  It’s special.  Jaw-dropping surprises abound, both pleasant and everso not pleasant, but vital to the continuation of the Kingsman. 

I have to say that, should I ever need assistance of the super spy nature, I would hope there really is a version of Eggsy and Merlin I could call on.  That’s something that’s always intrigued me.  Are there really people out there in the world that do this for a living or is it just a testosterone fantasy that’s made its macho way to the printed page and now the silver screen?  How much do spies make?  Do they train every day like martial artists?  Is Ninja a real job title? I digress...fun, violent, sick, scary, surprising, all tied up with a big bow and a cheesy smile.  Rating:  One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer and a bite of a really rare burger (3.5 stars)   

Flashback to February 2011

I didn't get to post to Vidiot's Corner several years ago, so I'm hoping this isn't a repeat.  I was perusing some old Facebook posts and decided to add these to my blog.

Oscar Watch: Everything else except 127 Hours

22 February 2011 at 07:43

So I tried to update these on my Vidiot's Corner Website, but to no avail.  How frustrating.  I may go back to my email distribution iist or try Word Press as an option and just blog my reviews.  I was also trying to update my multimedia services on the Firefly Theatre Page.  Doh!  Hopefully this works.

Toy Story 3
It’s been a long time since I spent a morning at a movie preview with my niece and hundreds of children and their parents at a now defunct theater in SouthCenter.  That morning was a sneak peek at what has turned out to be an integral part of growing up for those kids.  It was also a new way of looking at animation and story development for this writer, sort of like the Star Wars for cartoons.  Everything got bumped up to a new level of expectation.  Well, let me tell you, you’d be a fool to miss this exciting, funny, and brilliant close to a story about friendship and family.  Andy has grown up and is going to college…his old toys are in a state of apprehension about what will become of them and several of the old “pals” have been donated or sold.  His Christmas puppy has turned into a dog that reminded me of a friend’s dachshund, Cleo, who got too overweight and needed a skateboard under her middle to get around.  Woody, Jessie, Bullet, Hamm, Slinky Dog, Rex, the Potato-heads, the Squeaky Aliens, and of course, Buzz are all in for an adventure that you won’t forget.  Barbie and Ken are 80’s kitsch to the max—dreamy.  Cinerama was the perfect venue for a first time viewing and after seeing it once, I’m ready to go again.  So much to take in, action, romance, tango dancing, dumpster diving, it was an infinitely satisfying way complete the Toys’ circle of life.  Rating 4 stars to infinity and beyond.    

Inception
I’ll see you in my dreams, or I hope not.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t want anyone mucking around in my subconscious.  Dream invasion is the key here.  This dream team plans down to the nanosecond what they need to do, whether it’s to steal secrets (of the corporate variety) or in this case plant an idea which will result in a very profitable outcome for a Japanese businessman.  This is a “matrix-like” film, substitute Leonardo di Caprio for a combination of Keanu Reeves  and Laurence Fishburne, Ellen Page and Marion Cotillard for Jada Pinkett and Cari Ann Moss  and for Hugo Weaving, equally nasty subconscious thugs.  The story can be very confusing, but then again, so can dreams.  Definitely a film for special FX aficionados.  The wake-up music is ironic in that you hear a lot of Edith Piaf (a role made memorable by Ms. Cotillard).  It will definitely start the room talking once you’ve seen it the first time and it’s a film that makes you want to, no, need to see it again.  I’ve never been good at writing down what I dream and don’t recall if I dream in color or black and white…I know this was filmed in color, but were the dream sequences filmed in black and white, or did I just dream that?   Rating:  4 stars
   
The Black Swan
Natalie Portman is going to take the “Best Actress” award this year.  That’s not a good guess, it’s just a fact.  Her character (Nina) is a tour de force of weird stemming from what seems to be a clear cut case of schizophrenia.  We have no clue if she’s a victim of child abuse or just so mentally effed up and practicing to be the perfect little ballerina princess, that her efforts to hide her OCD and hallucinations are anything more than dreams…(I think the cast of Inception should have done an intervention in this film).  The music, dancing, supporting cast (Mila Kunis, Barbara Hershey, Wynona Ryder, and Vincent Cassel), because anyone other than Natalie is supporting, is superb.  It’s frightening and bouncy all at the same time to a soundtrack that I’m sure Tchaikovsky would have loved, besides the fact that a few of the selections are from Swan Lake.  This definitely didn’t lay an egg, but I don’t think I could watch it more than once.  Rating: 3.25 stars   

Winter's Bone
“Well somewhere in the black mining hills of Dakota lived a young boy named Rocky Raccoon”…or so the song begins.  This takes place in the Ozarks of Missouri and concerns the life of a 17 year old girl who’s taking care of her family (a nearly comatose mother, and much younger brother and sister) because of the absence of her father who’s jumped bail and “gone away”.  Rees (Jennifer Lawrence) is left with the daunting task of locating her father against all odds in time to save the family from being kicked to the curb as her daddy decided to put the farm up as collateral.  In times past, her daddy’s business would have been making and selling ‘shine, that’s changed over the past 30 years and now it’s Crystal and the locals don’t cotton to anyone invading their privacy whether you’re the law or one of their own.  Rees is in a peck of trouble and has to endure the wrath of just about everybody she knows.  This is not a film for the squeamish, especially not if you’re a vegetarian and like cuddly little squirrels and Bambi.  John Hawkes and Jennifer Lawrence are every bit as deserving of their nominations as more well known actors.  When the world finally reaches a point where everyone has to fend for themselves, these are the people who’ll survive.  Rating:  3.75 stars

The Fighter
Moving farther east to the town of Lowell, Massachusetts, we meet two brothers, Dicky Eklund and Micky Ward.  Dicky taught his little brother everything he knew about fighting and then took a powder on his life, landing in prison and smoking crack, not exactly in that order.  What a lovely way to help someone to the top of their game.  Add to this, one extremely overbearing mother/manager, 7 or 8 sistahs, each one a chip off the old mom-block, and you’ve got the makin’s of the next welter-weight champion of the world.  Set in the ‘80s, Dicky and Micky are living the life…Dicky’s living the effed up life and Micky’s just trying to get his act together so his daughter can come stay with him.  Based on a true story, Christian Bale is Dicky…banty rooster thin with an attitude that goes for days and Mark Wahlberg is Micky…bustin’ a move in the ring and looking every bit the Calvin Klein underwear model when he was known as Marky Mark.  Amy Adams is Charlene, Micky’s girlfriend.  If you thought Micky was bad-ass, you ain’t seen nothing until you see her defend herself, both physically and verbally…she’s a pistol.  This happy family never made the cover of Life or McCalls magazine, but Micky’s victories are a part of history and the film captures the feel of the era.  Melissa Leo is over the top, but so is Micky’s mom, so she’s perfect.  Rating:  3 stahs

The Kid's Are Alright
Nic and Jules have two children, one each with a donor and a couple of years apart.  The oldest, Nic’s daughter Joni, is turning 18 and the youngest, Jules’ son Laser, is hoping that she’ll grant him a favor before she leaves for college…he wants to meet his donor dad.  Being underage, he can’t do that and nobody wants to tell their moms what they have planned.  Enter “Dad”, a successful restaurant owner in the greater L.A. area, womanizer, and all around dork.  Not what you call a great role model for helping your child focus on their future.  What ensues is trying to be mature adults in a situation that any married couple (same sex or otherwise) would find less than comfortable. Mark Ruffalo adds just the right amount of “Duf to Dufus”, Annette Bening and Juilanne Moore are Nic and Jules, the concerned parents and play well off of each other.  The kid’s really are alright here, but it’s the adults who have issues.  This is a dramedy, definitely R-rated and worth the watch.  Rating:  3 stars 
 
In addition to Best Picture nominations I’m including a couple of notable nominees.

Exit Through The Gift Shop
If you don’t watch another film from this year’s nominees, I beg of you to rent, borrow, steal, download, whatever you have to do and see this documentary.  In a nutshell this is the story of how a French man who’s obsessed with documenting life with a camcorder gets the tables turned on him when he stumbles on the fact that his cousin is a well known street artist named PacMan in Paris.  He’s exposed to the kamikaze way this art is produced and exhibited and in the process, introduced to the infamous Banksy.  He thinks he’s doing a film about Banksy, however, he’s really the main event and Banksy is making the film about him.  There isn’t one second of this extraordinary look at life after dark that didn’t make me want to get on a plane and see the work up close and personal.  Rhys Ifans is the narrator with input from Banksy, himself.  It’s going to be a very interesting evening if this film wins best documentary.  Banksy has never revealed his true identity and he’s not about to now, so watch the film, watch the extras, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.  Rating:  4 stenciled stars

How To Train Your Dragon 
Holy Odin, Dreamworks has hit the nail on the head this time with a wonderful story about a boy and his dragon.  Hiccup (Jay Baruchel) is our reluctant hero, son of the Viking Chief, Stoick (Gerard Butler), and local inventive nerd.  He’s sort of an absent-minded professor type in the making who would like nothing more than to be left out of the mandatory dragon defense training requirements of his village.  Alas and alack, that’s impossible, because if he was left alone, there wouldn’t be a story.  This is sort of a mish mash of Avatar, The Black Stallion, Eragon, but much more “kid friendly” because it’s Disneyfied, as in dragons are a lot like cuddly aliens who make their home in Hawaii.  The local teenagers are as dorky as Hiccup, except for Astrid, who is the kick-ass Scandinavian version of Mulan.  That, in a way, is sort of strange, because she’s voiced by none other than “Ugly Betty Suarez” herself, America Ferrera.  There’s plenty of action, great animation with special effects.  The dialogue doesn’t suck and it doesn’t overstay it’s welcome and outlast the attention-span of most 5 to 10 year-olds.  My only gripe would be is that red-headed Vikings are from Scandinavia, so will someone please tell me why it’s impossible for people who produce these films to stick to the correct accent group?  Iffen yor naught goonna spak with a Norwegian accent or an “merican” one like the kids do in the film, then why screw with the minds of children who have yet to learn history, even if the story is myth and fantasy?  I can just hear some 3rd grader piping up to their teacher that the Vikings came from Glasgow and wore kilts and had funkier names than Ole, Sven, Gunnars, and Erik.  Uff da.  Rating:  2.98 stars   

Bring on the Oscars and let the party begin...I'm ready!

Coco

Dias de los Muertos translated is Day of the Dead, a time when we honor our ancestors who passed into the great beyond (and no, you don’t have to be Latino).  “Coco” is the story of one boy, Miguel, who, through a family misunderstanding several generations ago, is not allowed to play or sing any sort of music.  That, in itself, would make me not want to hang around on this side of the living realm.  It’s a magical, heart-rending story that makes you want to tell certain characters in the boy’s family to “get a life”.  Dias de los Muertos is not a sad celebration, and there’s the key; it’s a celebration.  There are songs that make you want to sing along Mariachi style, can I get an “ahhhhhhhhhh ha”, and others that are heart-breakingly sweet.  It’s amazing how an animated story can make you feel like it’s something that really happened.  It’s a mystery and when you figure it out, you want to hug this kid and tell him everything is going to work out fine, just don’t give up your faith, your dreams, and practice, practice, practice.  You never know, you could become famous.  I am totally in love with this film.  I’m rating this a field of marigolds, a sugar skull, a huge plate of tamales, and a one hairless slobbery dog (that’s a good thing, a very good thing) or in other words, quatro estrella.